Out of respect for anonymity I've changed the names.
We have a population of homeless where I live in Arvada, Colorado. You see them every week in their routine roaming from Starbucks, to the library to the RTD bus stop, but I'm told that there are many, many more that we never see. They have no where to go, most engage in substance abuse, & they have their daily hits for a bite to eat (RTD bus riders returning from a day at work with leftovers in their lunch bags). There are a percent that are Vietnam Veterans & befriending David led me to meeting others. An occasional bowl of green chili at a local Mexican restaurant led me into a world of education on Vietnam Veterans who continue to live with post-traumatic stress disorder. Through getting to know these men and hearing their stories it apparent that for some Vets their war never ended.
On a walk to the park with my Sadie girl to terrorize squirrels one day I met David sitting on a bench reading a book. He and I & Sadie who David calls that ole' soup bone dog, are common characters around Arvada. Over time we engaged more and more & got to know each other. David is a Vietnam Vet & walks with a cane from a war injury. He has been fighting the system for his benefits for around 40 years. His dog tags were stolen and though he has a social security number, and a birth certificate he is has been pronounced dead in the system. Good news (hopefully), I'm driving him to an appointment soon with 'those to whom it may concern' to see if his status can be ratified so he can be pronounced offically alive and therefore receive his entitlement to VA benefits. He'd really like to see this happen. He doesn't think he'll survive another winter on the streets & I'm tired of hearing him vocalize that he is going to drown himself tonight with a bottle so he can get picked up & thrown in detox in order to sleep in a warm place.
My apprehensions come in crowds;
I dread the rustling of the grass;
The very shadows of the clouds
Have power to shake me as they pass:
I question things and do not find
One that will answer to my mind;
And all the world appears unkind.
William Wordsworth
Recently on a green chili bowl night the waitress told David & I that table 12 wished to buy us a drink. Table 12 were friends of David's another homeless man & a friend named Jim, who is also Vietnam Vet. For 2 hours I listened to Jim share his experiences. He shared his failed marriage and raising his girls on his own. He has had a bout with Hodgkins lymphoma from exposure to agent orange. He walks with a cane and lives in a small place that holds a 1 person standing only rule. Only one person can stand at a time because there is no room for more; 2 steps to the kitchen, 2 steps to the bathroom, pretty much 2 steps any which way you turn. When he was forced to retire from his cable splicing job at a telecommunications company (due to his health issues) it took him 3 months to be able to lay down on a bed to sleep. He was a work-a-holic and spent his career sleeping in the cab of his truck. His grandkids bought him a metal gun replica to sleep with for comfort. Like many Vets he dreaded 4th of July (fireworks). He went through counseling to deal with the night terrors of PSTD and graduated to cold sweats. He preferred the night terrors he dealt with for years because he got more sleep than with the sweats. It took Jim almost 40 years of fight to procure his VA benefits. He led a squad of 8 men while in Vietnam. You bond in trust to each other for your life. They all agreed to return for another tour of duty as long as they could remain together. There was a shortage of tunnel rats because of casualties and their squad was asked to break up. They refused to be separated so all 8 were recruited as tunnel rats. They lost 2 in their squad. He says you become desensitized to the battle as you see 2 soldiers side by side, one with his leg blown off and suffering and the other dead. You formulate in your mind that you'd rather be the one dead than to be suffering.
There are two immutable rules to war that our Veterans live by:
- People die.
- You can't change rule # 1.
On a visit to the liquor store I met another Vietnam Veteran. This was obvious by his hat that said Purple heart & Vietnam Vet. His leather vest on the backside says, Copper Penny Man referring to his role as a sniper in the Vietnam War. He had a grenade blow up on his backside. He was a nervous little guy, but eager to share his story. He has spent his days watching kids for single mom's waitressing. He was at the store to pick up a bottle of 7-Up for the kids. Marvin is agoraphobic, an anxiety disorder that makes it a struggle to leave the confines of his home. Marvin is an alcoholic & has been married in his words 8 or is it 9 times? We talked so long that one of his adoptive daughters called concerned on his where abouts, he said, "I've been talking to a lady, I'll be there shortly". Just walking to the back cooler to get the 7-Up was a chore, so I offered to walk with him, he said, "Oh thanks, that would good." He mentioned the adrenelin rush of always getting into fights and his distaste for policemen. Often in an ensueing fight people would tell him, "Marvin, NO ONE wants to fight you." It's often the nature of a Vet with PTSD to need to fight in order to cope. It's been years since Marvin has been in Nam, but it is obvious that for him the war has never ended.
PTSD
Per capita, more Vietnam Veterans suffer from chronic PTSD than from any other war. What is learned in trauma is never forgotten.
People with PTSD are famous for self-medicating (drugs, alcohol), however, ex-soldiers have an additional addiction that often lands them in trouble, or jail: an addiction to adrenaline. We love danger, even when trying to avoid it. Deep down inside, we love adrenaline.
Persons with PTSD hold in a lot of anger. It is a free-floating anger with no real target and very subtle causes. It simmers below the surface and can jump out at inappropriate times, aimed at the wrong person for the wrong reasons (displaced anger).
Normal people get warm, then angry, then angrier, and progress to a state of rage if the stimulus to the anger is not abated. A PTSD sufferer can go from A to Z immediately, especially if s/he’s an ex-soldier. Soldiers are taught to react. They are not taught to think, deliberate, or discuss. They are taught to react, because during war, the distance between life and death is measured in milliseconds and centimeters. When anger strikes, it quickly turns to rage.
A friend in Reno posted to me recently that she read that the violence that started the Wild West was due to PTSD of Civil War Veterans. I've learned a lot through my Vietnam War Veteran friends & I'm thankful to now understand what the soldiers of our country endure to provide us all with freedom & protection, something that most of us unfortunately take for granted or never consider. For many of our Veterans, the war never ends.
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